sister day

i was really excited for sister day. as awesome as it was having a sister who lived in london and then new zealand, i appreciate her being back in the states where i can see her more often. i missed my little sister. ok, yes we're only something like 15 months apart but she's still my little sister. who i am very proud of for having a fancy digital matte painting job where she can work at places like Dreamworks and take me on a tour!

Dreamworks animation day. we walked across the dreamworks animation campus to the cafeteria where she told me they serve free lunch to all of the employees from 11 to 1. not only is it free but the food is really good and there's loads of choices. like a grill! i have to say, i'm jealous. we walked around until we found her work buddies at a table. shadi (my brother in-law) joined us because he works there too. somehow the topic of how neat and tidy i am compared to my sister came up and the example of how different our rooms were in high school. my bedroom was clean and organized and my sister also pointed out that i've been sorting my clothes by color since i was a little girl. weird right? then compare that to my sister's room in high school where it looked like a clothes bomb exploded. our mom was not a fan of the exploded clothes bomb. one time our mom stormed in there and shoved all of my sister's stuff in trash bags because she couldn't take it anymore. she needed to see the floor, at any cost. my sister shook her head and said the whole family was all about everything being clean all the time. she said it was her room, why couldn't it be messy. it sounds like the typical teenage complaint. she has gotten better otherwise i'm sure shadi would have a word or two to say about it. he agreed it has gotten better and they balance each other out as far as cleanliness goes. now, let me get this straight before i go on, my sister is never dirty she can just get really messy with putting her clothes away.

after lunch she took me on a tour of the campus. first we scoped out the conference room to see if anyone was in there because she wanted to show me the high-tech live meeting room. it has a screen that is the same width and height of one wall that has a live feed from redwood city and vice versa. the cameras can also zoom in the opposite room to get close-ups of storyboards and whatnot. pretty awesome. next was the theater for dailies where shots can be shown and discussed. they also show whole films in there for the employees. we walked over to the lobby and she pointed out some art on the walls and told me about the animation, pointed out the awards and then i had my picture taken with the giant statue of Po from Kung Fu Panda. next she took me to see the landscaping because there's this mini river running through the place complete with koi fish swimming around, ending at a big lagoon. i was told thre were ducks and pointed out the special ramps for the ducklings to get in and out of the water. she said she'd like to be a fly on the wall when they discovered ducks were stuck in the water and needed ramps. so the ducks, no one knows what happened to them. she thinks they were removed because they begged like little quacking dogs under the lunch tables. she took me into where the concept artists work and then to the motion capture room. i didn't realize it was so big. meanwhile as we are walking through the buildings there is framed art from the animated movies. everything from concept art to stills from the films themselves. kristi said i can't share those pictures because she can get fired. 

next stop, the lighting department where shadi shared some of the work he and his team are working on. i wish my office was lit like their offices. it's all very dim and/or no lighting except what they set up in their workspaces. it totally beats the fluorescent lighting in my office. from shadi's office we walked over to where my sister works and she shared her movie-related toys, like the shiny cape from megamind the animators were given. i was half serious when i asked if i could wear it for halloween. hear that kris? *wink wink* she let me see the work she is doing and then lots of other artwork goodies but i won't talk about it because i don't want her to lose her job. i'll just say it was extensive and i could have sat there all day with her looking at the artwork. she introduced me around and then we walked over to a wall where she fumbled around with some things on a bookcase. i heard a click and the bookcase was a hidden door! rad. i want one of those. especially when behind the super special secret door is a hiding place with a mini bar and lots of other fun decor like fake fireplaces and couches. my job needs a secret room with things to drink in there. i think all offices do. we walked back outside, stopped at the gift shop so i could pick up some movies (they're cheap there) before leaving for the Griffith Observatory. 

/more to come later

los ahnalas: thursday

thursday morning. i wake up chatty. my sister's trying to get ready for work and i'm talking a mile a minute. she had to tell me to stop talking and get ready because she will be late for work if we don't hurry. so i compromise, get ready quick and keep talking. she mentioned something about how can i be so perky in the morning. i say, "i'm on vacation!"

we drive over to the rental place to pick up my car. i don't have any credit cards because i am not ready for credit card debt again but i might have to re-think it after this. what a pain in the ass. they don't take debit cards for various reasons and stupid me (* head smack), of course i should know this. i work in loss prevention in a large bank and fraud is rampant in LA. of course they will be more strict. anyway, my sister had to use her credit card but there was stress involved in that because SoCA drivers are not the safest. so we get the full insurance coverage and of course it adds almost $100 to my bill. arg. they give me a free upgrade for the trouble so that was nice. car, check. kristi gives me her tomtom to use and then she's off to work. 


i run some errands and then look for a cute diner to eat at in pasadena. i find an old diner that's been open since 1963 and looks promising, i'm all for old diners. it's called the "Pie n' Burger" and this is what sold me on it:

Pie 'n Burger first opened in the fall of 1963 on California Blvd., just off South Lake in Pasadena. It continues to be in the same location to this day. The recipes, products and methods used in preparing the award winning food today are the same as those used 46 years ago.


i sit down and notice the following:

• diner looks like it is still in the 1960's and i'm having a semi-mad men fantasy going on. i think i've been watching too much of that show. 
• waitresses are super friendly
• lots of regulars who are getting hugs by waitresses who seem to know their life stories.

i really like this place. i ordered a BLT and a coffee. the waitresses successfully talked me into ordering a piece of pie and good thing i didn't eat my whole sandwich because mmmm, that pie was good. it also made me so full that all i wanted to do was lay down, groan, and pat my belly. waitresses were consistent in their being nice to the new girl (me) and it was a comfortable place to just sit and hang out for a bit. i used some of that downtime to write few ideas in my notebook for what i wanted to include in heidi's wedding book. 

i finish the last of my coffee and walk up to the ancient tiller to pay my bill. the waitress who helps me looks like she's in her late 30's and has the thickest valley accent i've heard in a long time. i keep her talking just to hear her accent. she's telling me to go out to redondo for a seafood restaurant: "duuuuuuuuude, like, you totally have to go. it is SO good. oh mah gawd. you will totally love it. duuuuuude. whoa. it's like the best seafood. they totally like, you can pick your seafood and then like, they totally serve it to you, fresh!" she said something similar about another place to check out in santa monica. then she starts telling me stories about spending time on the pier in santa monica. i could have sat there and talked to her some more but i had things to do. she shakes my hand, tells me her name and begs me to come back. i tell her i'll try and i'm hoping my sis and brother in-law will check the place out. 

i drive back to my sister's house and write up heidi's wedding book page and take a quick disco nap. i wake up suddenly, realizing i didn't have to wait for sara to call me and was supposed to be at her house in west hollywood at 3:30 and...it was 3:31. hello. 


i scramble my stuff together and run out the door. 


i make my way out to weho using the tomtom and should have known better. i made this trek everyday (glendale to west LA) when i lived here, and i knew the best way to go. i don't know why i used it. anyway, it took me on a weird long, roundabout way. *rolling eyes. what made it somewhat entertaining was the mispronunciation of city and street names by the stupid thing. like los angeles became "los ahnalas" and gave me endless entertainment every time she said it. los ahnalalalalas. LOS AHHHHNALAS. the capitals happened when i hit traffic. all weekend i couldn't help it, i had to say "los ahnalas!" every time she said it; even when i had people in the car with me. luckily they found it just as amusing. driving through downtown LA was fun except for stupid tomtom telling me to "keep left" on the 110 when i knew the 10-west exit is way over on the right and in traffic you don't "keep left" unless you want to battle four lanes of traffic. luckily i knew better and i'm an aggressive driver who is not afraid of SoCA drivers. it then told me to take crenshaw-pico-san vicente and up and around the long way to west hollywood. wtf.


finally i get to sara. yay sara! i'm so glad i had a pocket of time to fit her in. she gave me a tour of her one bedroom duplex-style apartment which is adorable. she even has a yard, which has the biggest rosemary bush in the world. i gave ancient millie some love and we took her two bostons on a long walk around weho. it was good to catch up. i miss sara! i wish i had more time with her. there were a few new bars on santa monica blvd and it was weird to see the Normandie Room as a gay sports bar. i kept getting turned around because there has been a lot of changes in weho. sara said the Palms is still around. which is surprising. what is not surprising is that it's still a dive. i hope it's just as trashy as it was back then. i wonder if they still have the shower.


i had some time for dinner before heidi's bachlorette party so sara and i decided on the Abbey for garden burgers. my stomach was finally ready for new food after the morning's big breakfast. we dropped off the dogs and walked back up to the Abbey. the place hasn't changed too much other than the bigger space over on the right side. we found a table and began our favorite thing to do when we get together - talk about the "good ol' days" in san francisco. we've become a couple of nostalgic fools. so we start talking about when we met and sara always forgets i met her a week after her 21st birthday. i was only 19 at the time. we were babies. then we started talking about our days of living in the tiny one bedroom with her girlfriend. she was 22-23 and i was 20-21 at the time. we still don't know how we did it - 3 girls in that small space. we started trying to remember what we ate back then and decided we need to make a Sara and Kelly circa 1998-1999 poor in SF cookbook. we ate some crazy things like toasted sourdough buttered and cut into strips and a small pot of homemade pasta sauce. dip bread in sauce = dinner. mmm nutritious. then we'd slam 100 proof vodka shots with a pepsi chaser. bring more vodka in the empty pepsi can to drink in rat alley (pee spot before club), and then go out dancing. we were crazy. it's still really hard to do vodka shots without gagging a little. fun! we also had a hard time remembering eating out. i don't think we did very often in those days. i remember burritos in the mission. falafel sandwiches. some greasy egg roll thing at the doggie head diner around the corner from our apt when we were on the rag. 


while we're having this conversation as her new girlfriend and daughter show up. i think we were having more fun talking about our memories than they had listening to it. i'm glad sara and i can re-tell these stories over and over again and never tire of them. dinner finished, we all walk back to sara's and it's time i have to head over to santa monica for heidi's bachlorette party.

honestly, i was feeling trepidation about the whole "acroyoga" thing they had planned at gidget's house and was hoping i missed it because it sounded awkward. no such luck. i missed the dinner portion of the night but not the cocktails and ... acroyoga. or, "flying" as they called it. i always feel shy around new people and this time was no different. i did really love the big big hug from heidi when i walked in the door. heidi! another person i wish didn't live so far away. i really need to make a trip out to hawaii to visit her. 

so the flying was about to happen. i refilled my sake. this big guy with an aussie accent comes in and invites people to come balance on his feet and do splits in the air. these pictures are of heidi and it looks like she's having a great time. all of the other girls looked like they loved it too and said it felt amazing. i think it's because all the blood goes to your head and that can make you feel a little high and giddy. i believe this blood pooling in the head can easily distort reality. the stretching part is something i could use but i was dancing later and i'm sure that would loosen me up just fine. i also didn't have the right clothing. mostly, i didn't want to embarrass myself.

okay, so i wasn't trying to be all debbie downer about it but reasons for not participating, other than wearing jeans and not bringing comfy splits-in-the-air clothing:

1. i wasn't sure if that guy was strong enough to hold me up there

2. didn't want my belly hanging out and embarrassing me

3. don't like being the center of attention while i'm balancing on some dude's feet

4. it looks awkward

5. i have trust issues

6. it's just a little too woo-woo for me.

as for the trust issues thing, aussie dude really liked talking in woo-woo voice about how it's all about "opening up" and "trust" ... yeah, sorry. can't do it. aussie dude tried small talk with me and i mention something about one of my ex's who's a massage therapist and after more small talk he asks me if i was seeing someone?! why are you asking me this. none of your beeswax buddy. i say no, and excuse myself for the bathroom. it was good to see heidi's friend dana again (she wasn't in the bathroom, if you were wondering). dana and her girlfriend were down from portland too. it was also good to catch up with shandra. portland girls and i had fun saying "this sure ain't portland!" and i'm sure it was obnoxious after awhile. we also liked to talk about how disgusting the LA water is and sure enough, as soon as i am back in portland i'm appreciating our tap water so much more. i almost wrote "we totally gagged out on the water in LA" but had to stop myself. i'm including it for your amusement.

back the party. finally. everyone is ready for dancing. i need the dance floor. so we head over to Zanzibar, which sara warned me was bad but i would give it the benefit of the doubt. i didn't know if i could get into the afro-beats and reggae. the latin music wasn't too bad. what made the club worthwhile was the music picked up and the b-boys and b-girls started breakdancing. this totally made my night. i was out there dancing and the girls from the bachlorette party were swelling my ego telling me i'm a good dancer. heidi laughs and says nothing has changed because i'm the same ol' kelly shy at the party but get me on the dance floor and i'm not shy at all. zanzibar was fun. i danced my ass off that night. one of the b-girls was posing with me for some pictures, one of them being "superstar!" amazing. what was not amazing was seeing the pictures taken of me and my red face. sigh. at least i had a good time. as we were walking outside there was this somber looking lady with a sash over her shoulder that said "Bride to Be" or something like that. we had heidi and this sad girl pose for a picture together. might want to re-think it? or maybe she had boring friends. heidi was glowing. it makes me really happy to see her like this.  

at the end of the night i enjoyed the drive back to my sister's place saying "las ahnalas" along with the nutty tomtom and enjoying the nostalgia of driving across los angeles in the middle of the night. i chattered all about it the next morning to my sister.

los ahnalas: wednesday

last week i made a trip to los angeles for heidi's wedding and to visit my sister.


while sitting around at the airport wednesday evening waiting for my plane to board, this cute girl with a hat kept smiling at me. i didn't recognize her and tried to pretend i didn't see her smile. maybe i looked like someone she knew. i never know what to do when that happens. it makes me feel awkward and shy. i always get this touch of anxiety that they already boarded the plane and i will miss my flight. it gets more intense if they board late, such was the case this time. i try to not obsessively check my phone for the time but luckily i can look like i'm playing around with something on my iphone. this is so i can convince myself i don't look like a crazy person obsessively checking the time and squinting back up at the board where they post the flight info. finally they begin boarding and we walk out to this small commuter plane that makes me wonder why they make us pay out the nose for a flight from pdx to burbank in that tiny thing. as i'm walking into the plane the stewardess says to me condescendingly, "your bag probably won't fit in the overhead." i dare to defy her and walk back to my seat and sure enough, the overhead bins wouldn't fit a backpack. wtf. so i have to wait for the line of people to pass so i can go back up to the front and give them my bag to throw in the back somewhere. i overhear her say "i told her it wouldn't fit" and see her lip curl up into a sneer but i pretend not to hear her because i had my ear buds in. what a bitch. anyway, i get back to my seat and i discover i have both seats to myself. perfect! so i scoot over to the window seat and gloat to myself about my good luck. the rest of the flight was uneventful. i read my book, listened to music, drank a soda. flying into LA i see the telltale rivers of headlights and taillights moving along in traffic and lights! so much light. the pilot makes a jarring landing and we're in burbank. i think the Bob Hope airport is one of my favorites because i feel like i've walked into the 80's. i'm sure the decor hasn't changed much since then and they are always playing 80's music. it always puts me in a good mood. it's also such a cute little airport. i walk outside, call my sister and we play the "where are you" game.
me: "i'm to the left of the wall with the painting and big letters that say BOB HOPE AIRPORT."
kristi: "i'm by the parking garage."
me: "i'm looking at that too. where are you? are you outside of it? look for BOB HOPE."
kristi sighing: "i'll start walking...oh there you are."
big hugs all around. i missed my sister.


what did we do before cell phones. oh yeah, we could actually sit in the airport and great people at the door. remember those days?


anyway, we stop at a gas station and i'm watching the little tv on the gas pump thinking, is this necessary? like we aren't barraged with advertisements enough, we have to zone out (like iw as doing at that moment) at the goddamned gas pump. i peel my eyes away from the little screen as we drive away to my sister's place in pasadena. her house is super cute but she has the driveway of death. that thing is like scaling a cliff. i don't know how they pull into that damn thing every day. we walk inside and big hugs from shadi. i miss that guy too. i'm so happy they are back in the states. 


the rest of the night was mellow. ate some pizza and watched my sister sculpt her elf woman for a class she's taking at work taught by Jordue Schell. pretty awesome. i'm waiting on a photo of her finished work. i wonder if she could sculpt the head. apparently the head is really hard to do. i tried to help out and played around with her sculpty stuff but all i could do is make a grumpy old man face. more to come! bedtime.

Mark Ronson & The Business Intl - The Bike Song

this is rad because,
1. it's all about bikes
2. bikes fight back after one is stolen
3. cute girls on bikes
4. it's all about bikes

Bang Bang

found this online today and i love it, i can't lie.

Edie & Thea--A Very Long Engagement

probably one of the most beautiful love stories i have ever seen. the love of these two women span over 42 years. everything about them and their love and commitment to each other is honest and heartfelt. they are also very funny. their love for dancing (and each other) never faltered. Their secret? Never let joy escape. Oh, and "keep it hot!" i recommend this documentary to everyone. not only to prove the point of how stupid it is we can't get married but also because it is such an amazing story.  without getting too political, it makes you wonder why people so against gay marriage disconnect themselves from stories like this one; that there are people who are committed to each other for decades and why can't they have the same rights and protections as straight people. they might actually be an example to straight relationships when statistically, divorce rates are at what, 50%? i think those people should all be made to watch this and understand we are just like them: we love and we form strong commitments to each other and there is nothing wrong or sick about it. anyway, everyone should see this movie. i loved it.


on a side note, i also loved being in the (packed) theater with so many older lesbians. this made me really happy. i know, some might think this is cheesy but i'm admitting it. it makes my heart warm being around the older generations of lesbians. there's so much history there and community. it's kinda hard to explain the feeling other than it feels good. then as we were walking out of the theater there was an old couple who have been together for 45 years! someone asked how long they have known each other and they said 50 years but they have been with each other for 45 years. wow, mindblowing. i wanted to stay and ask them questions and hear them talk about themselves a little longer but the crowd was moving me towards the door and Jamie and Jenny were walking ahead of me. ah well. i love hearing things like that, together for that long. especially through the decades they have lived through. it makes me look at my own life and not take so much for granted. at least i can be open about my relationships (if i live in the right place, which i do). i also have an accepting family, which many people still struggle with. i also enjoy the rights and protections fought for by their generations. i know, this is getting more political but this movie affected me and i just want to say thank you to all of those old lezzers. thank you!

Strawberry

I was just walking behind a girl who smells like those strawberry shortcake dolls from the 80's. You know the ones, where you squeeze the tummy and a small puff of super strong artificial strawberry-smell comes out of her mouth. It also lasts forever. I'm sure i could find one of those dolls and that smell will be the same as it was back in 1985. Which is kinda creepy.


- Posted from my iPhone

let's laugh at stupid people

come on everyone, it's a fun game. laugh at the stupid people. then feel frustrated. laugh some more. feel frustrated. rinse, repeat.



no excretions? or maybe they mean expectations...because they have them real low. good job mayor. how about you make an effort to learn the language before you start demanding other people to.



here's another gem of wisdom. what is lanaguage? oh...language. that's right. this is america and we don't know how to spell because we are overrun with morons, idiots and stupid people.


for more "teabonics" go here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pargon/sets/72157623594187379/

..

i love me some pogo

Pogo! i love this stuff. it makes me happy. :D

science

science geekery for today.

for those of you who don't know, i love evolutionary science. i also like to trip out on the idea of dinosaurs being around for 135 million years vs. humans (and human ancestors), who have only been around less than a million. puts things into perspective, eh? of particular interest in this article is lava covering roughly the size of 1/3 of the moon on earth at one point. it blows my mind.

Immense volcanic activity helped the dinosaurs rise to prominence some 200 million years ago, a study suggests.

i also love the show "life after people" because really, life will go on after people. humans are egocentric bigheads and believe an earth existing without humans is impossible. HA! that's hilarious and absurd. sure, the earth will need to go through some changes and it might take a few thousand, million years to erase the human mess but what will evolve after and in those conditions? i want to know! would creatures be smaller? or will big things roam around again? or will it be a bunch of insects having a big bug party. or will it be things totally new and different. there could be new creatures who can digest plastic because there will be loads of it. how would that be for an evolutionary advantage. maybe it will be oceancentric and everything will be back in the water again. possiblities are endless.

HOUSE

i met clinton at huber's yesterday after work and i took some pictures of the bathroom o'danger. danger to me anyway. this time i did watch my step and didn't have a moment of i'm-going-to-land-on-my-face-and-embarrass-myself-because-i-ignored-the-sign. i also checked to make sure i wasn't full of it saying there was nothing on the inside of the door warning people of the sheer drop you would experience upon stepping out of the door. i was correct, no warning. you have to make sure to repeat "step down" to yourself in your spanish coffee haze. not "step up" because that would cause you to look stupid and probably fall anyway.

this is on the outside of the door:

then i started thinking about "women step up" and i kinda like the sound of that. this picture is now the wallpaper of my phone. women step up. yes! step.it.up. i like it. it's not only a warning of twisting ankles, it's empowering. who knew a bathroom door could give me pause to think about female empowerment.

...i'll move on.

clinton and i make our way to the NW to find a place to eat before the movie and decide on this place: Serratto. kinda fancy, right? nothing but the best for me and clinton. it was good too. we even shared a creme brulee. i miss clinton dates. we need to do this more often. i used to do this kind of thing with people in san francisco and yes, i blew through money faster but it was great going out for cocktails and then a real dinner.

the whole point of being in the NW was not to spend quality time with the yuppies over there. oh no. we were meeting jamie for the movie HOUSE (it needs to be in capitals) at Cinema 21. what is HOUSE? oh, only a totally campy and weird japanese horror movie from 1977.

watch the trailer:

what is that catchy song being played on the violin you might ask? i have no idea but it's playing through the whole movie. wah wahhhhhhh wah wah. to the point where you're afraid it will lodge itself into your subconscious and you'll be haunted for days afterwards with the shrillness of it. yet, surprisingly after we left the theater it went away. i was weary of watching the trailer again because of that song. it really grates on the nerves after awhile.

anyway, so we're sitting up in the balcony enjoying ourselves. laughing. everyone is laughing. we're making catty comments because the movie is campy and calls for it. people around us are doing something similar. except for the pretentious-too-serious-hipster and his girlfriend sitting in front of clinton. they thought they were watching something that called for serious undivided attention. i think i saw them laugh twice. we're having a good time, like everyone else in the theater and they are sitting there grumbling and trying to take this movie seriously! he does the passive aggressive look over his shoulder and we ignore him. then he turns around and says "could you please not talk through the movie?" we really weren't talking through the movie, just adding in our own catty quips. i was clapping and he didn't like that either. so after he says this jamie asks "WHAT DID HE SAY?" and i said "he's telling us to shut up." clinton makes a pfft noise and i laugh. the guy tries to say something like "oh no, i didn't, i just..." wah wah. if you're going to tell us to be quiet, stick to it. it was awkward for a second and then i was like f-ck it! this movie is not a serious movie. sorry you're not having fun but the rest of us are!

so besides pretentious hipster we loved it. the movie was hilarious. it was totally weird and i had a lot of "what? really?" moments. i miss going to campy movies and the audience is being boisterous and animated about it. so take that pretentious hipster being boring. be boring somewhere else.

we walk out of the theater and clinton says "when did we walk into 1994?" he was right, we were surrounded by uber grunge fashion re-visited. ack! it did look a little like 1994. then again, because fashion recycles itself it is no surprise the grunge thing is in full force right now. even sara said it's big down in los angeles except their grunge is probably a lot more expensive, fancy and has designer labels. they probably smell better too.

HOUSE!

o_O

huh?

saturday night i needed to dance. jet told me we were going to blow pony and i of course said yes. jill picked us up and the song on the radio was "off the wall" which is not only my favorite michael jackson song but it's a great start to my night, always. i was stoked. jet had poured champagne into a water bottle and we shared it on the way to the club. car party! don't worry, the driver did not drink ... until we got there. of course there's a long line but once we get inside it's not as packed as i was afraid it would be. we danced. we drank some more. jet gave me half a xanax. i was relaxed and dancing was just what i needed. we left when it was close to 2:00am and started walking back to the house, along sandy blvd. jet and emile want donuts so we stop at voodoo, pick up said donuts and then walk the rest of the way up sandy.

as we're shoving our respective donuts into our mouths jet and emile are laughing about the name of where alex works: "lady secret fashion secrets" and taking turns saying it faster and faster. try it. it sounds really funny when you say it out loud, and try saying it as fast as you can. lady secret fashion secrets. ladysecretfashionsecrets. i can't do it very well and after stumbling over it a couple times i laughed along with them and then something weird happened.

this normal-looking guy on a cannondale bike with normal-looking clothing is standing there on the sidewalk. he stops me and asks "excuse me, do you know how to use a payphone?" it takes me a moment to realize he's serious. i look at him closely for a minute, yes he's serious. he looks really confused. this generic white guy, who looks to be in his early thirties and american, is asking how to use a payphone. so i try to keep a straight face and say "um, yeah. you need change to put in the payphone so you can dial out a number. do you have change?" he looks at me confused again and says he has no change. at this time jet and emile finally pick up on me talking to someone and before they can interject i thumb over my shoulder in the general direction behind us and tell him to get some change at the donut store over there and find a payphone. then i start walking in the other direction, motioning the girls to walk with me.

i say to jet and emile, "did you hear that? he asked me how to use a payphone." they said yes, they thought they heard that but it was too strange, too unbelievable. he looked like a normal guy. he was older. he's been around long enough to know how to use a payphone. we then thought maybe he was being awkward about asking to use one of our cell phones but i don't think so. it was too weird. besides, we all know not to let a random use our cell phone. that's just stupid.

i haven't had a thing like that happen to me in a long time. i need to get out and walk the streets more. no, not like that. get your mind out of the gutter.

first a weave stops bullets and now this? bullet-stopping love handles!

bullet-stopping love handles story







this is priceless:
Frazier also told the newspaper that she had been "hollering" that she wanted to lose weight. She now said "I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

Because if you can save yourself from a bullet who cares if you will slowly kill yourself being as big as a house!


This is the bullet-stopping weave, back by popular demand.


the bullet-stopping weave









"They was going past me, zoom, zoom and the window was shattering," said Bonds. "Oh Lord! I am alive! Am I dead? What's going on? I'm not even 21 yet!" "I've been wearing it for years. I've invested a lot of money into this weave," said Bonds. "It saved my life. It saved my life."

First off, I love that her name is Bonds. I think that might be an idea for the next James Bond movie – bullet-stopping weaves. I hope they can be as pretty as the one she is wearing.

Am I dead? What’s going on? Well…if you were dead you wouldn’t be shrieking at everyone now would you. obviously you're still alive. Wearing that thing for years? Invested a lot of money? I want to know how many years and how much money is “a lot of money” and how much does one spend on an weave like this one. I wouldn't think it would be more than maybe $50, at most. I’m glad this one saved her life. i wonder if she cuddles up with it at night, wrapping it in her arms and cooing at it like it is a strange little purple animal.


Unfortunately I couldn’t find any other stories in this genre but I am becoming a big fan. It’s right up there with cheesus.

music makes me happy

these two songs are rubbing me the right way lately. i can't get enough of these songs.

"don't make me laugh"

at home Jet likes to wear one of those face masks that you can't move your face under so she looks like a shiny botox junkie. what do i like to do when she's wearing one of these masks? make her laugh, of course. so i open my bedroom door while she's standing at kitchen sink (my bedroom door is right across from the kitchen) and i say, "i just strip-teased for the cats."

jet growls at me and tries not to laugh, and then i say something else to make her laugh and she runs upstairs snorting. i don't think she could get up there fast enough to get away from me. i almost ran up after her to bring up the short bus conversation we had earlier but decided not to be a jerk. i think she said she has a limited number of masks and i don't want her to waste them. it was tempting though.

the truth is, i was dancing in my room and i might have also did a little strip tease but it wasn't for the cats. i couldn't help myself. the song "we are the people" by empire of the sun is one of my jams right now and it makes me want to do strip-tease moves while i'm changing. don't laugh.

as for the dancing in my room, i always do that. i like to have my own little private dance parties. what. sometimes i dance around the house and sometimes my housemates dance around with me.

bike bandit

it was 30 degrees when i left my house this morning. knowing it would be freezing, i bundled-up. I thought spring was supposed to be here. it's teasing us with the warm sunny days but when it's dark out it's so cold. i caught myself in the mirror before i left and laughed at myself. I looked like a bike bandit with a bandanna over the bottom part of my face and then with my sunglasses and a knitted hat under my helmet. then on my hands i wore my striped gloves, those are bandit-y. At least I was warm. So warm that when I got into the office I couldn't peel off layers fast enough. ironic is the dressing of bandit and working at a bank. except i don't walk into a bank, it's an office and the only hard core feeling i have is standing in the elevator holding my bike helmet and feeling mighty because the people in there with me drove to work in their cars while i was pedaling my little heart out across town. it makes me want to strut around.
"look at me! i am sweaty because i rode my bike in! i'm getting exercise and i'm not wasting money on gas and a car!"
(except i've been missing a car lately but not for commuting)
i much prefer riding a bike to/from work. it wakes me up in the morning, keeps me energized, and i have something to look forward to at the end of the day. i'm so happy to be out on the road again.

new bike

i finally have a bike of my very own to love and ride all over portland! i rode it yesterday and it felt amazing. it's the right weight and it fits me. it takes the hills easily and it's just a little squirrelly but i like that. it's like riding a hyper little horse - it feels like it can't wait to zoom ahead and get moving. i couldn't stop looking at it when it was parked yesterday. i know, it's silly but i really like the way it looks. when the sun hits the purple it has this blue sheen to it and sparkles. it's pretty. the only things i want to change are the pedals because they are awful and are not comfortable. another thing is possibly the seat. it is a good seat but it was hurting my lady parts. it might have been the seat position. i adjusted the seat and it feels better but i won't know for sure until i go on another ride. which will be later today after brunch. :)

update: it was the seat position. moving it forward helped. i no longer have to sing "rub a dub dub, something's squishing my nub." it was not comfortable! and a little painful. it's much better now. my lower back feels better too.

someone tape it to me please

what makes people want to go out for a jog at 6:15am. do they have jobs they need to get ready for? i counted 8 of these people this morning. they usually run in pairs. i see their lips moving so they are having conversations (i have ear buds in so i can't hear them talking, i'm assuming that's what they are doing and not just flapping their lips for fun). i don't know about you but running and having a conversation does not mix well for me.*puff puff* so *puff puff* did you hear about joe bob and sue lou? *puff puff*... it seems like too much work but hey, if they can do it, more power to them.

last night i was walking home with jess and we were almost to her place and i realize my phone is missing. she calls it, no luck. she calls pete, no answer. i'm sure i left it in their living room. i was tired and didn't remember to stick it back in my pocket. we can't go back because we are both exhausted and they are all probably passed out. i try to tell myself it's safe and i'm not a dumbass for buying a new iphone and losing it. i'm really hoping it's at their house and it didn't drop somewhere outside when i was unlocking my bike. i'm sure i would have noticed it dropping. i'm feeling paranoid about it right now, if you can't tell. especially after what happened to my old iphone a couple weeks ago (see picture). i might have to bubble wrap my iphone and tape it to my body from now on. i can't be trusted with it.

my first iphone, crushed from me landing on it after my bike decided to go sideways under me all because of wet leaves, and of course i was stupid and had my phone in my back pocket...and that was the side i landed on.

i woke up on time. why is it easier to wake up at someone else's place than my own. i was out the door at 6:15 and decided not to be lazy and ride my bike to work. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. it only took me 30min and it's probably a 5 mile ride. not bad, eh? i was also early to work.

last year i was spoiled with a fast ride and riding this little trek makes me feel like i'm on a bmx with gears. i think it's too small for me. i can't complain, it gets me around and it's a good little bike. i can't wait to get a new bike. i think i also need to not wear jeans that i don't want chain stain on them. how does this happen?! i have chain stain on the front of my left leg. that's not even the side the chain is on. i'm retarded. i hope no one notices i'm wearing the same jeans today. i was smart and brought a hoodie and i always have a spare shirt in my bag but no new pants. walk of shame! i'm sure no one notices. they pay more attention to my hair than my outfits. my hair is something of a celebrity in here. i change it and everyone wants to talk to me about it. if i straighten it people actually talk to each other about it. i know, kinda creepy.

sometimes i want to throw things at people. for no other reason than it would be fun to. i'm not a violent or a mean person so these fantasies don't go anywhere beyond my own mind but right now i am looking at my orange and i am vividly imagining chucking it at someone's head. this fantasy of throwing things at people's heads is kinda like that thought process you go through standing at the edge of say, a cliff. if you are finding yourself without a cliff, imagine yourself on top of a tall building. your brain starts generating images of first leaping (or falling) and then the plunge. there will be most definitely screaming involved and you might hit a couple things on the way down and then SPLAT! you're flattened-out like a cartoon. at least, that's what goes through my head. i can almost feel that sensation of falling. much like i can almost feel the sensation of chucking this orange. maybe the falling thing is because i'm afraid of heights. maybe it's because gravity likes to play tricks on me. gravity can be a real bitch like that sometimes. i can't explain the throwing things at people thing. i'll blame it on gravity too.

ok, my last post was emo. back to satire.

I'm listening to a song by patti austin and she is singing "baby take away the pain stain you left on my heart" and it just makes me think of dirty underwear.

where to start. how about this, i'll start last thursday because i had fun that night. if we could, wendy and i would chat online all day long. during one of these chats we decided we needed some happy hour action and since we're both on the west side and i've never been to Huber's, we met up there. what is Huber's you might ask? well. it's only the oldest restaurant in portland. i know, impressive. it's tucked away inside a building over on sw stark and sw 3rd, in a hallway. the bathrooms have big signs telling people to step up but there's no signs inside telling you to step down. i know this because i almost ate it walking out of the bathroom after my second spanish coffee. more on that later.

i hopped on the 17 bus and tried to not pass out from breathing shallowly because the pee smell was abnormally strong that day. it also smelled like someone ate a big bowl of broccoli and beans and used their rear end as an air freshener. i can tell you right now it was not fresh. i'm talking fresh in the way clean laundry smells not fresh like something rotten. this was rotten for sure. i opened the window and tried to get some air circulating. some old lady sneered at me. it was probably her stinking up the place and she was having a good time marinating in it. i rode the bus just past burnside in old town and walked the rest of the way. rain was falling in that usual soft sprinkl'y way we get here in portland. which means i don't need an umbrella but i am wishing my glasses had little windshield wipers on them. i really like walking around downtown portland. it has a touch of grime and a bit of urban energy that gets me charged. downtown portland also has these cute little blocks that fool you into thinking you're going far because you're passing all kinds of streets but in reality you're not going that far. i think after living so long in san francisco and walking around in neighborhoods with giant city blocks, portland still gives me that "aw, portland you're cute" reaction. i need to go take walks around downtown more often.

i arrive at the building housing Huber's and almost miss the sign directing me inside. i pass the aforementioned bathrooms and find wendy at the bar. i'm putting my bag down and saying hello and someone taps me on the shoulder. it startles me because i'm not expecting someone else and after registering it's a friend from work i give her a hug. which i think startled her because she wasn't expecting it. i was excited to be out of work and in this old bar and that excitement made me want to hug people. i feel awkward for a moment and drop my bag on the floor with a big bang. i pick it up and my jacket falls to the floor. did i mention i'm awkward. yeah. finally get myself situated and i'm glad it was wendy with me and no one else. i'm not the smoothest girl in the bunch and she's not one to judge. teasing, i'm totally fine with. get me warmed up and i will tease you right back. it's when i get that look of wow, who is this person and why is she such a clutz, that's what gets to me.

we order the house specialty: spanish coffees! they lived up to their reputation. the bartender did this routine with the fire and the alcohol rotating his arms and wrists around making it all very fancy. he made the fire dance and the alcohol pour into the glasses as he spun them around. if i tried this it would be all over everyone and someone's hair would be on fire. my favorite was that he had the garter things on his upper arms, like the old bartenders did. you know, like in the movies. we get our drinks and i finally take a good look around. it might be one of my new favorite places. the place is early 20th century eye candy: the ceiling is two giant stained glass skylights, the walls are paneled in mahogany and it has that old-timey feel to it.


the rest of the night was girl-talk and catching-up and i'll spare you the details. i had a great time!
we walked up to the bus on burnside and made a quick stop at the doug fir for one more drink before heading home. i was in bed by midnight and woke up at 5:45 for work. on my way to work i was feeling tired but not sick. i get to work and bam! it hits me. sick-city. stupid weak stomach. i have to go back home after just 3 hours of work and spend the rest of the day laying in bed trying not to throw up more. no, i didn't drink too much. i have this weird thing where if i drink the day before my period i'm vomiting the next day. fun! of course it always takes me by surprise too. stupid ovaries. the kicker, it was a gorgeous sunny day on friday and i had the day off...to lay in bed all day. it didn't stop me from going out that night! granted, it was only a movie and a beer at the roadside but i'm a champ.

huber's!
www.hubers.com

p.s. forgot about the bathroom story. i mentioned the signs missing from the inside telling you there is a one foot drop. or if there were signs i missed them. i push the door open and walk out like i was on flat ground, feel nothing below me for a second and luckily caught myself. i felt like if i didn't catch myself i would have collapsed on the floor in front of the couple arguing in the hallway. they would have turned and had a good chuckle before returning to their argument. meanwhile i would have hobbled back to the bar; and acting tough because i don't want anyone to know how much pain i was in, feeling humiliated already. all of this is going through my head during that one second of almost eating shit. crisis averted. i'm not humiliated. no one noticed me step down a little too heavily and i can return to the bar.

re-visiting old writing

this is something i wrote years ago and i found it again tonight. i've always liked it. p.s., it's fiction.
..

i lost my way again like so many times before with this asphalt urging me forward. the horizon tantalizes my eyes to a drowning stare with waves of heat stretch stretching before me. music from the speakers fail to drown out my thoughts, so i struggle to just sing along; i relate too comfortably to these songs. each one flicking a memory in my eye and rubbing the pain away becomes a habit. a habit, i muse, as easily performed as the lighting of my cigarette, my smoking friend. always ready when i am. inhaling this toasty treat relaxes my grip on the wheel and i ease my car into the speed limit. escaping from my problems was always the most agreeable thing to do, why else would i buy a car. this one takes me towards the south and possibly the east. along too many freeways, expressways and distracting roads. i've lost track sometime last week. i believe i am somewhere in middle america, judging by the vast expanse of nothing. billboards range from rest stop teases to a hotel of some kind begging me to try their "cable tv rooms." the surroundings begin to blur into an indecipherable brown mess, wrapping its windblown fingers around my passing car. one of my old tapes mixed with a mess of memorabilia has been repeating itself the past few hundred miles due to my wandering mind. each song opens the fresh wound trying to repair itself in my heart. i strain against the urge to scream out my frustrations and choose to sing loudly out of my open window. a passing motorist smiles. i take a breath of stagnant air and prefer the smoke from my cigarette. i take another drag. as i inhale i pass a road sign: "Missouri 60 miles." i flip a coin on the seat next to me, heads i stay. tails, i keep driving. the coin bounces off the seat to the floor; i glance quickly - tails.
i keep driving.

lack of cheesus in my life

unfortunately i haven't come across any cheesus sightings since last year. i know, disappointing. i also can't find any updates on the cheesus found in houston last may. did they eat him? is he moldy? did they sell him on ebay, as they mentioned they might on the news program? i need to know!

i'm feeling an emptiness in my heart from a lack of cheesus.

that is, until i found this:



and all was right with the world. praise cheesus.

if i've lost you on my own inside joke please read these previous posts:
baby cheesus strikes again
and
baby cheesus

someone has asked me to offer my inspiration to this post, it's almost as good as baby cheesus. it is a painting of conan o'brien done entirely in cheetos. impressive. is this what art has evolved to? is this what we should expect from art in 2010? i hope so. this painting embodies american culture: cheesy, smells funny, might give you indigestion and full of obscure pop references. where do i sign up.

making a list

Distracted at work and i've started a list that i'd like to call "songs that one should play for me if i were to have a brain injury resulting in amnesia and i needed to get my memories back."

“lonely teardrops” – Jackie Wilson. All-time favorite song.

“forever young” – alphaville. For my inner peter-pan complex.

“it’s my life” – talk talk. My breakup song. It’s best when heard at a club post-breakup. Dance it out girl.

“kiss me” – Stephen ‘tin tin’ duffy. This song just makes me happy.

“I’m on fire” – bruce springsteen. childhood and adulthood, lots of memories.

“swamp thing” – chameleons. One of those ‘mmm yeah’ heavy repeat songs.

“skankin to the beat” – fishbone. Not a big fan of fishbone but this song has always made me want to get up and dance. Especially when I was really into ska…and in shape…and in high school. Pick ‘em up. Hup hup!

“fast car” – tracy chapman. Only because it makes me smile remembering being teenagers with Weston and him in goth garb singing this song at the top of his lungs in the car, multiple times. <3

“I wanna be adored” – stone roses. There are so many good memories attached to this song.

“pictures of you” – the cure. Likewise, lots of memories. This one tugs my heart.

“sleeping single” or “paint” – roxette. this brings back days in san francisco when I lived next to the beach in the tiny apartment.

“texture” – Catherine Wheel. Sunny days and repeat (whole album actually).

“finally” – kings of tomorrow. This is one of my i'm super gay songs. It’s also a good song to listen to when I meet someone dreamy.

“daisy chain 4 satan” – thrill kill. Lots of good memories with sara b. and all I have to say about this is “habeeb in looooooooooove.” lol

“yelling in my ear” – Op Ivy. It’s punk and it’s ska – two things I loved in high school, in one band and it was good.

“killing moon” – echo & the bunnymen. Won tickets for the first (and last) time from a radio station (Live105) for a show at the Warfield. Amazing.

“getting’ in the way” – jill scott. For all those people “getting’ in the way of what I’m feeling” and this song makes me feel tough…when I’m not. Favorite lines: “I’ve been a lady up till now. Don’t know how much more I can take…I’m ‘bout to take my rings off, give me some vaseline.”

"we close our eyes" - oingo boingo. happy song puts me in a happy place.

any pet shop boys song - nostalgia-o-rama

...

more to come. i need to get back to work.