"don't make me laugh"

at home Jet likes to wear one of those face masks that you can't move your face under so she looks like a shiny botox junkie. what do i like to do when she's wearing one of these masks? make her laugh, of course. so i open my bedroom door while she's standing at kitchen sink (my bedroom door is right across from the kitchen) and i say, "i just strip-teased for the cats."

jet growls at me and tries not to laugh, and then i say something else to make her laugh and she runs upstairs snorting. i don't think she could get up there fast enough to get away from me. i almost ran up after her to bring up the short bus conversation we had earlier but decided not to be a jerk. i think she said she has a limited number of masks and i don't want her to waste them. it was tempting though.

the truth is, i was dancing in my room and i might have also did a little strip tease but it wasn't for the cats. i couldn't help myself. the song "we are the people" by empire of the sun is one of my jams right now and it makes me want to do strip-tease moves while i'm changing. don't laugh.

as for the dancing in my room, i always do that. i like to have my own little private dance parties. what. sometimes i dance around the house and sometimes my housemates dance around with me.

bike bandit

it was 30 degrees when i left my house this morning. knowing it would be freezing, i bundled-up. I thought spring was supposed to be here. it's teasing us with the warm sunny days but when it's dark out it's so cold. i caught myself in the mirror before i left and laughed at myself. I looked like a bike bandit with a bandanna over the bottom part of my face and then with my sunglasses and a knitted hat under my helmet. then on my hands i wore my striped gloves, those are bandit-y. At least I was warm. So warm that when I got into the office I couldn't peel off layers fast enough. ironic is the dressing of bandit and working at a bank. except i don't walk into a bank, it's an office and the only hard core feeling i have is standing in the elevator holding my bike helmet and feeling mighty because the people in there with me drove to work in their cars while i was pedaling my little heart out across town. it makes me want to strut around.
"look at me! i am sweaty because i rode my bike in! i'm getting exercise and i'm not wasting money on gas and a car!"
(except i've been missing a car lately but not for commuting)
i much prefer riding a bike to/from work. it wakes me up in the morning, keeps me energized, and i have something to look forward to at the end of the day. i'm so happy to be out on the road again.

new bike

i finally have a bike of my very own to love and ride all over portland! i rode it yesterday and it felt amazing. it's the right weight and it fits me. it takes the hills easily and it's just a little squirrelly but i like that. it's like riding a hyper little horse - it feels like it can't wait to zoom ahead and get moving. i couldn't stop looking at it when it was parked yesterday. i know, it's silly but i really like the way it looks. when the sun hits the purple it has this blue sheen to it and sparkles. it's pretty. the only things i want to change are the pedals because they are awful and are not comfortable. another thing is possibly the seat. it is a good seat but it was hurting my lady parts. it might have been the seat position. i adjusted the seat and it feels better but i won't know for sure until i go on another ride. which will be later today after brunch. :)

update: it was the seat position. moving it forward helped. i no longer have to sing "rub a dub dub, something's squishing my nub." it was not comfortable! and a little painful. it's much better now. my lower back feels better too.

someone tape it to me please

what makes people want to go out for a jog at 6:15am. do they have jobs they need to get ready for? i counted 8 of these people this morning. they usually run in pairs. i see their lips moving so they are having conversations (i have ear buds in so i can't hear them talking, i'm assuming that's what they are doing and not just flapping their lips for fun). i don't know about you but running and having a conversation does not mix well for me.*puff puff* so *puff puff* did you hear about joe bob and sue lou? *puff puff*... it seems like too much work but hey, if they can do it, more power to them.

last night i was walking home with jess and we were almost to her place and i realize my phone is missing. she calls it, no luck. she calls pete, no answer. i'm sure i left it in their living room. i was tired and didn't remember to stick it back in my pocket. we can't go back because we are both exhausted and they are all probably passed out. i try to tell myself it's safe and i'm not a dumbass for buying a new iphone and losing it. i'm really hoping it's at their house and it didn't drop somewhere outside when i was unlocking my bike. i'm sure i would have noticed it dropping. i'm feeling paranoid about it right now, if you can't tell. especially after what happened to my old iphone a couple weeks ago (see picture). i might have to bubble wrap my iphone and tape it to my body from now on. i can't be trusted with it.

my first iphone, crushed from me landing on it after my bike decided to go sideways under me all because of wet leaves, and of course i was stupid and had my phone in my back pocket...and that was the side i landed on.

i woke up on time. why is it easier to wake up at someone else's place than my own. i was out the door at 6:15 and decided not to be lazy and ride my bike to work. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. it only took me 30min and it's probably a 5 mile ride. not bad, eh? i was also early to work.

last year i was spoiled with a fast ride and riding this little trek makes me feel like i'm on a bmx with gears. i think it's too small for me. i can't complain, it gets me around and it's a good little bike. i can't wait to get a new bike. i think i also need to not wear jeans that i don't want chain stain on them. how does this happen?! i have chain stain on the front of my left leg. that's not even the side the chain is on. i'm retarded. i hope no one notices i'm wearing the same jeans today. i was smart and brought a hoodie and i always have a spare shirt in my bag but no new pants. walk of shame! i'm sure no one notices. they pay more attention to my hair than my outfits. my hair is something of a celebrity in here. i change it and everyone wants to talk to me about it. if i straighten it people actually talk to each other about it. i know, kinda creepy.

sometimes i want to throw things at people. for no other reason than it would be fun to. i'm not a violent or a mean person so these fantasies don't go anywhere beyond my own mind but right now i am looking at my orange and i am vividly imagining chucking it at someone's head. this fantasy of throwing things at people's heads is kinda like that thought process you go through standing at the edge of say, a cliff. if you are finding yourself without a cliff, imagine yourself on top of a tall building. your brain starts generating images of first leaping (or falling) and then the plunge. there will be most definitely screaming involved and you might hit a couple things on the way down and then SPLAT! you're flattened-out like a cartoon. at least, that's what goes through my head. i can almost feel that sensation of falling. much like i can almost feel the sensation of chucking this orange. maybe the falling thing is because i'm afraid of heights. maybe it's because gravity likes to play tricks on me. gravity can be a real bitch like that sometimes. i can't explain the throwing things at people thing. i'll blame it on gravity too.

ok, my last post was emo. back to satire.

I'm listening to a song by patti austin and she is singing "baby take away the pain stain you left on my heart" and it just makes me think of dirty underwear.

where to start. how about this, i'll start last thursday because i had fun that night. if we could, wendy and i would chat online all day long. during one of these chats we decided we needed some happy hour action and since we're both on the west side and i've never been to Huber's, we met up there. what is Huber's you might ask? well. it's only the oldest restaurant in portland. i know, impressive. it's tucked away inside a building over on sw stark and sw 3rd, in a hallway. the bathrooms have big signs telling people to step up but there's no signs inside telling you to step down. i know this because i almost ate it walking out of the bathroom after my second spanish coffee. more on that later.

i hopped on the 17 bus and tried to not pass out from breathing shallowly because the pee smell was abnormally strong that day. it also smelled like someone ate a big bowl of broccoli and beans and used their rear end as an air freshener. i can tell you right now it was not fresh. i'm talking fresh in the way clean laundry smells not fresh like something rotten. this was rotten for sure. i opened the window and tried to get some air circulating. some old lady sneered at me. it was probably her stinking up the place and she was having a good time marinating in it. i rode the bus just past burnside in old town and walked the rest of the way. rain was falling in that usual soft sprinkl'y way we get here in portland. which means i don't need an umbrella but i am wishing my glasses had little windshield wipers on them. i really like walking around downtown portland. it has a touch of grime and a bit of urban energy that gets me charged. downtown portland also has these cute little blocks that fool you into thinking you're going far because you're passing all kinds of streets but in reality you're not going that far. i think after living so long in san francisco and walking around in neighborhoods with giant city blocks, portland still gives me that "aw, portland you're cute" reaction. i need to go take walks around downtown more often.

i arrive at the building housing Huber's and almost miss the sign directing me inside. i pass the aforementioned bathrooms and find wendy at the bar. i'm putting my bag down and saying hello and someone taps me on the shoulder. it startles me because i'm not expecting someone else and after registering it's a friend from work i give her a hug. which i think startled her because she wasn't expecting it. i was excited to be out of work and in this old bar and that excitement made me want to hug people. i feel awkward for a moment and drop my bag on the floor with a big bang. i pick it up and my jacket falls to the floor. did i mention i'm awkward. yeah. finally get myself situated and i'm glad it was wendy with me and no one else. i'm not the smoothest girl in the bunch and she's not one to judge. teasing, i'm totally fine with. get me warmed up and i will tease you right back. it's when i get that look of wow, who is this person and why is she such a clutz, that's what gets to me.

we order the house specialty: spanish coffees! they lived up to their reputation. the bartender did this routine with the fire and the alcohol rotating his arms and wrists around making it all very fancy. he made the fire dance and the alcohol pour into the glasses as he spun them around. if i tried this it would be all over everyone and someone's hair would be on fire. my favorite was that he had the garter things on his upper arms, like the old bartenders did. you know, like in the movies. we get our drinks and i finally take a good look around. it might be one of my new favorite places. the place is early 20th century eye candy: the ceiling is two giant stained glass skylights, the walls are paneled in mahogany and it has that old-timey feel to it.


the rest of the night was girl-talk and catching-up and i'll spare you the details. i had a great time!
we walked up to the bus on burnside and made a quick stop at the doug fir for one more drink before heading home. i was in bed by midnight and woke up at 5:45 for work. on my way to work i was feeling tired but not sick. i get to work and bam! it hits me. sick-city. stupid weak stomach. i have to go back home after just 3 hours of work and spend the rest of the day laying in bed trying not to throw up more. no, i didn't drink too much. i have this weird thing where if i drink the day before my period i'm vomiting the next day. fun! of course it always takes me by surprise too. stupid ovaries. the kicker, it was a gorgeous sunny day on friday and i had the day off...to lay in bed all day. it didn't stop me from going out that night! granted, it was only a movie and a beer at the roadside but i'm a champ.

huber's!
www.hubers.com

p.s. forgot about the bathroom story. i mentioned the signs missing from the inside telling you there is a one foot drop. or if there were signs i missed them. i push the door open and walk out like i was on flat ground, feel nothing below me for a second and luckily caught myself. i felt like if i didn't catch myself i would have collapsed on the floor in front of the couple arguing in the hallway. they would have turned and had a good chuckle before returning to their argument. meanwhile i would have hobbled back to the bar; and acting tough because i don't want anyone to know how much pain i was in, feeling humiliated already. all of this is going through my head during that one second of almost eating shit. crisis averted. i'm not humiliated. no one noticed me step down a little too heavily and i can return to the bar.

re-visiting old writing

this is something i wrote years ago and i found it again tonight. i've always liked it. p.s., it's fiction.
..

i lost my way again like so many times before with this asphalt urging me forward. the horizon tantalizes my eyes to a drowning stare with waves of heat stretch stretching before me. music from the speakers fail to drown out my thoughts, so i struggle to just sing along; i relate too comfortably to these songs. each one flicking a memory in my eye and rubbing the pain away becomes a habit. a habit, i muse, as easily performed as the lighting of my cigarette, my smoking friend. always ready when i am. inhaling this toasty treat relaxes my grip on the wheel and i ease my car into the speed limit. escaping from my problems was always the most agreeable thing to do, why else would i buy a car. this one takes me towards the south and possibly the east. along too many freeways, expressways and distracting roads. i've lost track sometime last week. i believe i am somewhere in middle america, judging by the vast expanse of nothing. billboards range from rest stop teases to a hotel of some kind begging me to try their "cable tv rooms." the surroundings begin to blur into an indecipherable brown mess, wrapping its windblown fingers around my passing car. one of my old tapes mixed with a mess of memorabilia has been repeating itself the past few hundred miles due to my wandering mind. each song opens the fresh wound trying to repair itself in my heart. i strain against the urge to scream out my frustrations and choose to sing loudly out of my open window. a passing motorist smiles. i take a breath of stagnant air and prefer the smoke from my cigarette. i take another drag. as i inhale i pass a road sign: "Missouri 60 miles." i flip a coin on the seat next to me, heads i stay. tails, i keep driving. the coin bounces off the seat to the floor; i glance quickly - tails.
i keep driving.

lack of cheesus in my life

unfortunately i haven't come across any cheesus sightings since last year. i know, disappointing. i also can't find any updates on the cheesus found in houston last may. did they eat him? is he moldy? did they sell him on ebay, as they mentioned they might on the news program? i need to know!

i'm feeling an emptiness in my heart from a lack of cheesus.

that is, until i found this:



and all was right with the world. praise cheesus.

if i've lost you on my own inside joke please read these previous posts:
baby cheesus strikes again
and
baby cheesus

someone has asked me to offer my inspiration to this post, it's almost as good as baby cheesus. it is a painting of conan o'brien done entirely in cheetos. impressive. is this what art has evolved to? is this what we should expect from art in 2010? i hope so. this painting embodies american culture: cheesy, smells funny, might give you indigestion and full of obscure pop references. where do i sign up.

making a list

Distracted at work and i've started a list that i'd like to call "songs that one should play for me if i were to have a brain injury resulting in amnesia and i needed to get my memories back."

“lonely teardrops” – Jackie Wilson. All-time favorite song.

“forever young” – alphaville. For my inner peter-pan complex.

“it’s my life” – talk talk. My breakup song. It’s best when heard at a club post-breakup. Dance it out girl.

“kiss me” – Stephen ‘tin tin’ duffy. This song just makes me happy.

“I’m on fire” – bruce springsteen. childhood and adulthood, lots of memories.

“swamp thing” – chameleons. One of those ‘mmm yeah’ heavy repeat songs.

“skankin to the beat” – fishbone. Not a big fan of fishbone but this song has always made me want to get up and dance. Especially when I was really into ska…and in shape…and in high school. Pick ‘em up. Hup hup!

“fast car” – tracy chapman. Only because it makes me smile remembering being teenagers with Weston and him in goth garb singing this song at the top of his lungs in the car, multiple times. <3

“I wanna be adored” – stone roses. There are so many good memories attached to this song.

“pictures of you” – the cure. Likewise, lots of memories. This one tugs my heart.

“sleeping single” or “paint” – roxette. this brings back days in san francisco when I lived next to the beach in the tiny apartment.

“texture” – Catherine Wheel. Sunny days and repeat (whole album actually).

“finally” – kings of tomorrow. This is one of my i'm super gay songs. It’s also a good song to listen to when I meet someone dreamy.

“daisy chain 4 satan” – thrill kill. Lots of good memories with sara b. and all I have to say about this is “habeeb in looooooooooove.” lol

“yelling in my ear” – Op Ivy. It’s punk and it’s ska – two things I loved in high school, in one band and it was good.

“killing moon” – echo & the bunnymen. Won tickets for the first (and last) time from a radio station (Live105) for a show at the Warfield. Amazing.

“getting’ in the way” – jill scott. For all those people “getting’ in the way of what I’m feeling” and this song makes me feel tough…when I’m not. Favorite lines: “I’ve been a lady up till now. Don’t know how much more I can take…I’m ‘bout to take my rings off, give me some vaseline.”

"we close our eyes" - oingo boingo. happy song puts me in a happy place.

any pet shop boys song - nostalgia-o-rama

...

more to come. i need to get back to work.

cuttlefish

cuttlefish are my favorite and they look like little aliens. if i had stuck with marine biology (my first major in college, after high school) i would have studied the cuttlefish, and all cephalopods, really. this includes octopuses (another favorite), nautiluses and squids. cuttlefish are interesting because not only are they intelligent but no other animal can change colors and body shape like they do.

nova also did a great documentary on the cuttlefish: Kings of Camouflage

1979

1979. i was a year old. i already have a favorite album: "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer. yes, i'm serious, you can ask my mom. my parents nicknamed me "boogie baby" and i had a Wonder Woman-themed onesie.

this past weekend jamie talked me into going to a 1979-themed homo party up in the NE. i was content to be playing Sims 3 for the rest of the night but she was probably right, i should not be such a nerd and socialize. right after i tell her i'm going, jamie runs upstairs and proudly brings me down a pair of short shorts to wear. those of you who know me know i don't wear short shorts. ever. ok, maybe my boxers but that's at home, only. so i put these shorts on and i feel naked. i never show that much leg. maybe for a good reason, they are super pale. at least all the bike riding means i have toned legs. i can feel good about that. jamie also let me borrow her 70's white knee socks. i felt a little better with the socks, not totally naked anymore. i think my skin was as white as the socks. i don't have any cute 70's themed shirts so it was a white shirt with blue. jamie and i show off our costumes to althee and althee screams that i need an afro. my hair was almost an afro anyway so sure, why not. althee takes out a comb, hair spray and her blow dryer and starts getting my hair big...big...bigger. i haven't seen it this big since my sidekick steve teased it up in high school. althee finished her handiwork and i had a good-sized afro. honestly, it took her maybe 10 minutes to do it. we took pictures soon after, because this had to be recorded. i'll post a picture soon. i was still feeling retarded. maybe it was the lack of a cool 70's shirt, or my afro, or the whole outfit? or that i was going out in public like this. i was so glad i wasn't interested in catching any girl's interest because it was not going to happen looking like this.

jamie and i left with our sports bottle full of "club car" which is vodka and a mixer. the mixer was gatorade because we're sporty. i looked like richard simmons.

we roll into the party and people are dancing. 70's music is playing. people are looking in our direction and we start dancing. not for them, just to the music. i have to warm up if i'm going to show off at all. one-two-one-two. we started busting out aerobic moves and i elbow some girl next to me. smooth. it's okay, i have an afro. pay no mind. i think an afro excuses any awkward behavior. jamie and i wander off the "dance floor" which was really just the dining room, and head outside talking about how great it is being at a NE party that doesn't smell like an armpit. what is it with the ladies up there? deodorant. it's ok, you can wear it. shave those pits! i digress, that's a whole other post. back to me and jamie: we go outside.

that made it sound like something exciting was about to happen: we go outside. unfortunately nothing exciting happened. we stood outside; everyone was posing and cruising everyone else. some girl ran up to another girl behind me yelling "hey! i know you! i slept with you!" i'm guessing she didn't get a name. they walked away to make out in a corner somewhere. jamie and i hung out with elisabeth, her twin, her twin's girlfriend and some dude who introduced himself but i forgot his name right after he said it. ran into claude-anne and found out she's a dancer now to pay for her schooling to be a CPA. she said it's been liberating, especially the lap dances. i would imagine so, dancing naked in front of strangers could be liberating. i told her it's too bad the dancers in portland couldn't be unionized like san francisco and maybe she should work on that. i added that she would get paid more without having to do those "special" things. i was also noticing there were only about 10 of the 100 or so people dressed up for this. i'm glad jamie and i brought it. we only had a couple compliments. come on. afro!

back to the party. the yard was cool. it had a deck and the bottom portion of the deck was built around the fire pit. that's clever. we danced some more. the dj started playing hip hop. of course, what's a lesbian party without hip hop. i thought this was 1979? where's the disco? i didn't hear any donna summer. i didn't even hear anything from saturday night fever, anita ward or the bee gees. maybe because most of these kids were born in the 80's and maybe even a couple of them were born in the early 90's. *gasp* they have no idea.

jamie was starving so we left just after 1:00. i was ready to dance some more but i was feeling a little tired and i'm a wrinkle so i need my beauty sleep. my hair was also starting to fall and the sides were bigger than the top and if i had a miniature hat i could be a clown. so it was time to go. put the hair to bed.