fun at monkey park

You never know what might happen when you fall asleep at work...

16 things

1. I have a hard time explaining my job so i settle with "i work in a cube farm." moo

2. i'm always reading. i just finished a book in two days and i'm almost through another one. book suggestions are much appreciated.

3. if i don't get enough alone-time/independence i binge on it for a few days. so if you don't hear from me - that's why. if you do hear from me during that time i'm grouchy. well, depending on who you are and what you want me to do. *wink

4. one of my goals this year is to lose lots of weight. pre-goal is even harder: getting started.

5. i just did something that will help me financially in the long run. i'm terribly excited.

6. people who can't go with the flow try my patience.

7. i can't seem to get enough sleep. i'm chronically tired. i need to exercise more.

8. i have been craving trips to the coast and to go wine tasting. i miss both of these.

9. i was asked recently, "kelly, when did you grow up" but i don't feel grown up...not quite.

10. i love being nostalgic.

11. while riding the bus yesterday and looking out of the window i saw three people in different parts of portland with smiles on their faces and it totally made my day.

12. i have commitment issues.

13. i will garden this year.

14. i smell indian food. mm. i want indian food!

15. when i tell stories from my 20's i would love to re-create some of those times...but i don't have the energy nor the stamina.

16. I still have my wisdom teeth and they're coming out this year. i'm scared! :P

"the secret"

this was passed around today at work: brilliance

the book review about "the secret" made me laugh out loud like a crazy person. the metal bucket review made me clap my hands.

cardboard tree plots

this morning someone emailed a joke about costco selling caskets and i made a few comments which turned into a conversation about cardboard caskets.

i listen to the DIY portland podcast and there was an episode about natural burials that explained alternatives to the usual casket, burial and cremations we have these days. after listening to the podcast i have begun to re-think my desire for a cremation when i die. i think it would be nice to be buried somewhere i could actually contribute to the environment rather than destroying it. these special so-called "natural" cemeteries plant a tree on your plot to aid the decomposition. a tree would be better than a cold, boring headstone. it would be nicer to have something organic and with more personality on top of my dead body. it would say more about me than my name and the dates i was born...and a quote of some kind.

these things could be there too but it's boring by itself. i need some flair of the wooden leafy kind. people are sentimental so if someone wanted to visit where i'm buried they would have somewhere to hang out. maybe have a picnic. maybe a make-out session. maybe a little dancing. dance on my grave! with good music of course.

if i was to be cremated who knows what would happen to my ashes. what if they mix me in with someone else, just for fun. or what if i'm dumped somewhere stupid. or left on a shelf, or in a basement, or in storage, or an attic somewhere.

i'm an atheist who believes the body dies and that's it. i'd like to believe i could contribute to something after i die and if it's to some microbes, little creatures, plants, and other organisms that thrive on dead things i'm all for it.
eat up little bugs!

speculation time. if the energy thing is true and energy passes around and there's some power to it. who knows, i'm open to theory except the heaven and hell/afterlife stuff which seems like a whole lot of hopeful baloney to me. anyway, so the energy thing, if there is truth in it i could be a part of the things growing on top of me. i hope i have a nice view at least. how crappy would it be to be stuck in the tree with nothing to look at other than a wall separating the cemetery from the freeway. wouldn't that be sad, being stuck in a "natural" cemetery that's bordered by freeways and strip malls and cookie-cutter housing developments.

i think i would like to request a redwood tree on my grave. those things are huge and live for hundreds of years and i'm a size queen.

the grouch

i'm grouchy today. i had nightmares about my dad dying and it kept waking me up in tears. what's that all about.* he did own and operate a successful winery so that was kinda cool but him dying was definitely not cool. neither was my lack of sleep. i woke up and said "what the fuck" out loud and stumbled around the house getting ready for work. i love getting out at 3:30 but getting up earlier to work at 7am is brutal because i'm a big night owl and would rather stay up late than get enough sleep. i have this thing where i don't want to waste my night because that's my time. why go to bed early so you have more time for work? that's silly. so i'm chronically a bit tired but at least i have more time in the evenings to do whatever i want. like play video games! that's great, i sound real responsible and mature. then again there were monster things chasing after my dad in my nightmare so maybe the video games before bed isn't such a great idea.

so my grouchiness. it didn't happen when i went outside and walked around in the slushy wet snow. it didn't happen when i was brushing the snow off my car or when some idiot SUV almost pulled into my car. nope. it wasn't until about an hour into running the morning reports people started bugging me at my desk about a report missing information. which is fine but even after telling them it's not something i did but rather it's something from where i get the reports from; and i don't have contact information and i'm the only one doing this today because my prod support buddies are both out. i hate not being able to make something work especially when these people don't give up complaining about it! arg. even after i told them there's nothing i can do. so on top of being annoyed that my whole routine's been shot this morning i'm frustrated these reports will take me all day to do. ugh. luckily they found someone else to complain to and i'm free. for a couple hours at least.

so what do i do to control this grouchiness? i have been listening to Roxette on my ipod and venting to abigail...and this blog apparently. so far it's helping. i can't wait for this day to be over with. i don't get grouchy or feeling this impatient and frustrated very often so when it hits i can't wait for it to go away. i keep wondering if it's almost that time of the month but no, too early.

oh and look at that. someone else complaining about something not working. great! why's this always happen when i'm all alone. bleh.

*i called my dad this afternoon to make sure he was okay. those kinds of dreams make me paranoid. at least it didn't happen while he was traveling somewhere in the middle east.

video reminder

i was watching the DVD of alex & tim's wedding last night with alex and riza. it’s strange seeing yourself on video. i’m sitting there watching myself and thinking about how i’m getting more dykey as i get older. i really do look like a big homo. i need to curb this or i’m going to be like those older lesbians – the ones i make fun of. how’s that for karma. i announce my thoughts to alex and riza and of course they both say “you’ve always been kinda dykey.” except alex adds, “well, not really. it’s been a slow change into what you are now.” only because she’s known me since high school. i groan and roll my eyes. don’t get me wrong, i know i look totally gay but i forget how much. it’s that thing where you look a certain way to yourself until you see pictures and/or video of yourself and that inner visage is shattered. Although not entirely, because my head’s still telling me i look different. what am i so afraid of. why i am i afraid to look more obvious? because we all know i am such a big homo and proud of it. I actually like the way I look but wow, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. i think it brings fears of becoming one of those older super lesbian-lesbians. i don’t feel super butch and i don’t want to come across as such. UGH. maybe i need to wear more makeup, lose weight and wear hoodies less often. no, scratch the hoodie thing, they’re my favorite. maybe i need to give in and embrace my super gayness. why does that freak me out so much.

part 3: holiday party.

the holiday party.

all 150 or so of us pour down from the 5th floor on elevators and down the stairways to wait for our big yellow school buses. fifteen of the group are carrying their gingerbread houses to be the centerpieces of the tables. we looked like little kids waiting for our bus with the projects our mothers helped us with. the first two buses fill up and we [me and work buddies] wait for the last bus. of course our bus is late. we find out later it was because the bus driver was lost. how you could miss the big giant MONTGOMERY PARK sign at the top of our building is beyond me. so because the bus was late a manager is on her cell phone making important where-the-hell-is-the-bus phone calls. other people are making comments about their annoyance with the bus being late. my group is singing "eye in the sky."
first quote: "earth is 70% water and i'm the 30%. get off the earth, you don't belong here!"

bus arrives and my co-workers are so excited. we get on the bus and sit in the back. of course we're stuck by the woman with the loudest and most bone-jarring chronic coughing and who is known for awkward, not funny jokes. on our way people start yelling out "are we there yet" and thinking it was funny. i don't think there's anything more annoying. then one of the managers begins a holiday-themed quiz where clues are given to holiday movies while going down the alphabet. cheesy. i'm glad we were in the back so no one else could hear our answers. 'coughing fits' starts voicing her concerns about the lack of seatbelts and announces school buses in texas have seatbelts. i comment to C next to me that too bad only one kid per seat could fit in those seatbelts with the degree of childhood obesity. she laughed and told me to not say that too loudly or it will encourage 'coughing fits' to start telling more stories. 'coughing fits' then yells "it's not a shortbus!" well, saying that out of the blue...makes me feel otherwise. then the bus driver starts running red lights and getting lost downtown which created a flurry of concern from the biddies. i hear people yelling directions to the bus driver, gasping when he runs red lights and generally freaking out. these complaints continued through the luncheon and on the bus ride home...and for another hour when we were back at work. the things that make people excited in this office makes me wonder how boring their lives must be to get that excited about these things. or maybe it's something that happens with a certain age and/or a certain type of person.

the luncheon.
my office and co-workers remind me of the american version of "the office." we walk in and everyone is seated at their tables so my group has to be split up and taking whatever open seats are available. i'm happy to sit at a table with at least a couple work friends. someone is on the microphone and the volume is WAY too loud. it's ear-piercing. i want to run up there and tweak the volume and the EQ, if possible. we all have our "fun facts" packets and the questionnaire is management's way of determining the order of the tables getting up for their food. christmas music is also playing but it sounds like something from the electric parade at disneyland.

i was happy not to be the last table this year. we all have our food. we're eating. it's good - from Jake's. thanksgiving all over again with the turkey, mashed potatoes, salad, stuffing and rolls. desert soon after. then begins the excitement. VP brings up a manager who sings. she sings along too...and so does many of my co-workers around me. then she annouces we're playing Taboo, which she pronounces "t'boo" instead of "tahboo." more singing of christmas songs. i start drawing on my "fun facts" and doing the word find. happy place happy place happy place. VP starts asking us questions from "Are you smarter than a Fifth Grader" except i think she was picking the easy ones so no one would feel stupid. more singing. then! the creepy guy requests to do a solo. as if he wasn't creepy enough. he gets up and sings silent night...voice quivering. about halfway through there was an awkwardness in the room. i think we were applauding more that he was finally done rather than his performance.
quote: "R's waving his napkin. does that mean take it off or encore?"
quote: "we're stopping by chopsticks on the way home for more singing." i wish.

as we're walking out, the wood paneled banquet room next to us has professional carolers complete with Dickinson costume. fancy.

bus ride back. nothing exciting. same bus driver. he didn't get lost or run any red lights this time. people still complaining about the bus ride there. we get into the office and i finish some reports. we all file into the conference room to drop our tickets into bags for the raffle items. raffle happens. people win things. i did not win the microwave. looks like i will have to buy one afterall. gingerbread competition and ours wins first place in "least like package" woo! go number one!

so the holiday luncheon was interesting. more singing than the previous years. i really liked working the 7:00-3:30 shift because after the raffle and prizes i could go home right away rather than struggling to work for the rest of the day.

Part 2: holidays at the office (cont.)

today's the day! the holiday luncheon is here.

wednesday is my early day so i'm here at 7:00am. i sit down and get myself ready to run reports and whatnot and i'm assaulted with the cackling laughter of two women near me. this begins a wave of other people talking loudly and laughing. at seven!! it's too early. it's still dark outside. i say my morning hello to jen next to me and then put in my headphones. to drown out the noise.

8:30am email from manager. gift bags available. yearly tradition of various themed paraphernalia. this year it's a coin bank with a special dollar coin in it, date book and a decent pen. i was hoping for another set of glass tumblers. coin bank is staying on my desk. i don't need that at home.

9:30am email from manager. gingerbread houses are on display and open for judging. i wander over and my favorite is the pub with a drunk santa passed out in front, surrounded by miniature beer bottles. genius. and my group was worrying about being offensive. please. i wanted to do an "inner city g-house" theme (m's idea) that would have lots of offensive ghetto stereotypes. instead my group did a half-built house with signs out front that said "habitat for humanity." the other houses look like typical gingerbread houses: the old lady's house from hansel and gretel on an acid sugar high.

meanwhile i've counted six christmas sweaters, one lady with jingle bells who might be walking a little more bouncy than usual to make them jingle, and one person with green and red striped tights. this office is really getting into the spirit. the christmas sweaters are my favorite. not really, i can't stand them because they're so tacky...but maybe that's why they are my favorite. the tackiness. especially the ones with sparkles or the cardigan-style. for the old lady on the go.

we have a raffle today for random things. one of these is a microwave which i'm totally putting my tickets in for. my house needs a microwave and if i could get one for free...i would be thrilled.

only a half hour left before we all get on the school buses. i have my "fun facts" packet ready to go but sadly, i did not bring anything to color with. i'm sure one of the ladies with the christmas sweaters will.

Part 1: holidays at the office

festive holiday activites at work:

1. during an all-team meeting, managers announce we’re creating gingerbread houses for each table at the holiday luncheon. it’s a “team-building” exercise. we are told we can use company time to create them as long as we track time accordingly.

2. when discussing aforementioned gingerbread houses my group is reprimanded for not working and told to get back to work because there’s production to do. weren’t we just told we could use company time to do this project?

3. another all-team meeting to discuss the luncheon. we’re told we get to play board games at our tables. that’s fun. i’m tempted to bring some apples to apples cards. we’re also told we have a “fun facts” packet to work on. this “fun facts” packet includes a questionnaire and eight pages of activities. these activities include: things to color, secret messages to decipher (with pictures of santa in various poses – also colorable), connect the dots, draw a snowman in the graph, word searches, and another secret message thing. the pages look like they came out of an activity book for ages 2-10.

4. the kicker. people are actually very concerned and confused about when they are to complete these “fun facts” packets. “do we do them before tomorrow? do we do them at the holiday luncheon? i didn’t hear!....” really? i also overheard other people talking about bringing their own crayons and colored pencils for the activity. they are so excited!

the luncheon itself should be amusing. i hope they don’t do bingo again this year.

kitty crack sparkles

*kitty crack sparkles*
that's what i see around my cat's head when he gallops crazily around the house, sounding like an animal three times his size. i don't think he's any more than 15lbs but i could be wrong. every time he walks on someone all i hear is "oomph, baxter! ouch!" i don't think he could be that fatty if he runs laps, right? he runs around more than any of the other cats...but he also eats more. he may have to go on a diet but it's cute when he sits like a little old man with his tummy all paunched-out.